late night post

Dalam hidup ni apa yang kau nak tak semestinya kau akan dapat. apa yang kau rancang tak semestinya akan berlaku. Kalau tanya apa yang paling aku nak, aku nak grad on time. dah rancang nak naik pentas yang sama dengan Faisal ambik gambar baling baling topi petak dengan dia tapi benda tu aku tak dapat. tak payah tanya frust ke tak, sebab jawapan aku memang ya.

Tiga tahun diploma 99% masa aku habiskan dengan dia. baki 1% aku tidur, study sorang takpun balik rumah cuti hujung minggu. dek kerana fail satu paper, extend sampai part 7, kena hadap lagi satu sem. nak taknak, kena hadap. aku tak kisah aku kena pergi kelas 2 kali seminggu, aku tak kisah aku kena belajar balik apa yang aku belajar last sem sebab bagi aku gagal is a learning process, bukan sebab aku bodo aku fail. kalau aku bodo awal lagi aku give up diploma duduk rumah jadi bibik. aku tak kisah sebab aku tahu fail satu paper isnt really a bad thing sebenarnya (sedapkan hati)

Cumanya, terkilan. 

Bila aku pergi kelas, dulu- kebetulan Faisal punya kelas somewhere around my classroom jugak so boleh jumpa paling paling pun aku lambai dia dari jauh. Kadang terserempak pulak bila dia dah habis kelas dan aku baru nak pergi kelas atau bila aku nak pergi cafeteria, dia nak pergi library. Bila sekarang aku pergi kelas, jalan yang aku lalu nak ke kelas tulah jalan yang sama aku lalu setiap hari dengan dia. 

Drama queen i might say tapi selagi tak rasa sendiri orang takkan tahu.

setan

Dalam setiap fasa hidup kau, 

kau akan jumpa ramai perangai setan atau 

kau sendiri si setan dalam hidup orang lain. 

memang selalu macam tu oh well life continues

Rezeki masing-masing

Well this topic has been stuck in my head for quite long and i guess its abt time to spill everything out.

Lately macam satu fenomena makwe dapat surprise gift iphone 6 dari pakwe, pos kat instagram pastu viral satu Malaysia. Biasa dadak tuider punya kerja lah tu pergi screenshot jadi kan hashtag relationship goals or god knows maybe itu satu cara getting thousands of rts ke kan we dont know.

I memang jenis suka observe people and i read a lot. I mean kadang i baca benda yang doesnt require me to read benda tu pun sebab i waste my time reading conversation orang tengah quarrel, maki hamun siapa betul siapa salah siapa pandai siapa bodoh.

And i realize that terlalu RAMAI orang especially perempuan akan mention her bf in that particular pic yang konon nya romantik tu as if ntah la tak rasa malu ke mintak mintak? Even if your bf is filthy rich still, personally i kinda think that tak proper je mintak itu ini dekat ur bf as if dia mesin atm?

Why not u jadi romantik, take him to dinner, buy him a new wallet if his wallet dah koyak rabak, take him to a picnic, cook something untuk dia or maybe go for an ice cream date by the beach, he'll appreciate that more than you can think of. Guys bukan mind reader. You cant expect him to know what you demand for and guys bukan atm machine where you can demand 'bie beli kan i this that this'. If you nak dia jadi romantik, be one. If you dah jadi romantik and you got nothing in return, try to think of every kindness yang dia pernah buat. All those small details like when dia tolong you time you tengah pokai, time you tengah penat dia entertain you even dia kena marah dengan you pun dia still sabar dengan you, when he gave you his sweater, when he picked out a wild flower kat taman and gave it to you or when you were sick he stayed up so that you tidur dulu.

Mungkin romantik tu bukan dia. Tapi believe it or not, one day he'll understand that in order to make your relationship blooms he has to do something. That time you sendiri speechless dengan apa yang dia buat.

To those fortunate people yang dapat iphone 6, itu rezeki dia. Kita yang tak dapat why not struggle sendiri dari rely on others kan? Sampai bila nak rely on somebody else? If you nak benda tu, work your ass off. Jangan mintak mintak dekat parents, they have dozens of other things nak kena settle loan lah installment lah. Work hard in order to gain something.

Kadang some people sangat wealthy they have everything, tapi deep down beneath their hearts rasa tak puas, rasa tak cukup.

Rezeki masing masing. Kalau dapat apa yang kita nak, bersyukur. Kalau tak dapat apa yang orang lain dapat, so be it. Mungkin benda tu you suka tapi benda tu tak baik untuk you. Maybe ☺

These struggles

Achieving something needs struggling. You cant just sit and stay put waiting for money to fall down from the sky. I have a hard time finding the perfect job for the past few weeks and i kinda noticed that i am becoming more choosy than i was before entering diploma. I dont like it. I dont like being choosy. Na'ah.

I have so many goals right now. I cant sit around and do nothing, cant expect things to be that easy. Plus, i have plans for January and February so i need money.

I need a job.
Please call me :(

Dua jenis ibu ayah

Ada dua jenis ibu bapa--
Jenis dulu hidup susah, bila senang bagi anak segala kesenangan sampai anak jadi 'spoil brat'.

Well might be some.
Sebab ada jenis anak yang malu meminta. Ada yang jenis usaha sendiri taknak susahkan mak ayah

Tapi lihat pada realiti hidup sekarang---
Jarang
Jarang ada anak orang kaya yang tak demand.
"Abah, nak iphone 6." "Ibu, adik nak nike roshe" abah nak itu, ibu nak ini
Walhal abah ibu membanting tulang. Hidup bermandikan peluh untuk bagi anak senang

Itu baru cerita anak orang kaya. Yang sederhana?  

Ada juga ibu ayah jenis dulu hidup susah, bila senang tak ingin nak bagi anak rasa senang sebab kenapa? Sebab dulu dia pernah susah

Ajar anak hidup susah. Rasa nikmat senang dengan titik peluh sendiri. Naik turun patah tumbuh jatuh bangun. Rasa sendiri biar kau tahu belajar nilai dan harga sesuatu benda

-adahthefreak

Rindu amat

Tak reti nak terangkan rindu ni dah tahap macam mana dan apa. Tiga bulan macam tiga tahun. Jenis sakit rindukan awak ni tak ada pengubat melainkan awak sendiri datang ketuk pintu rumah jerit surprise depan muka saya

Takpa awak

Saya tunggu

Tunggu
Tunggu
Tunggu

Takpalah sakit pun, saya tetap akan tunggu

Face it

Shut up. Kau bukan bagus sangat pun ☺

Late night confession

I'm halfway done idek how long have i typed. I can be very stupid at times that i have to rewrite what has been written just now. penat meroyan hmph

I've decided to write everything in here instead of tweeting it. twitter kan kedekut bagi 140 words jewp mana cukup nak tulis semua yang ada dalam benak pemikiran ni plus twitter is an instant blog. definitely i'll annoy anyone when my face asik appear on their timeline so using twitter is a no no so ok so hmmm.

I cant seem to find the right time to sit and just let it all out. Its disturbing and i hate when my head is packed with so many random and unnecessary thoughts.

I had gone through so many failures. I lose hope plenty of times and ya ya ya i told already abt this part when aku sem 3 i almost quit uitm etc etc. This time around nak further degree while sign up those three courses kan, i letak tesl as my first option and my dad tak tahu that i did that. And i felt guilty but then again i rasa, tipu for my own good pun then it should be okay. Abah dah banyak kali suruh i take accountancy for my diploma and degree. But i insisted that diploma is my trial period. I cant. I just cant continue doing this. I dont even like numbers and i dont wanna take any risk. Hence, i took that chance of putting tesl as my first choice.

I held my breath and slowly breathing out. Bcs this time i finally get the chance to do what i have always wanted. Which is to go for tesl instead of accountancy. I took a quick glance of what it would be, what it would look like when i dah jadi one of those tesl students. People cant look down on me dah. All this time aku fikir what a loser aku ni and stupid. Yup, thats what i thought.

Then came that day of Hari Arafah where all your prayers will be fulfilled by Allah swt so i took that opportunity to ask Allah. If tesl baik untuk aku ease my way and if its not then show me. I asked Allah the same thing, should i or should i not take bachelor in accountancy.

The next day, i did some research and asked some of my friends abt tesl and somehow i felt uneasy. As if there was something that weighing me down and i came to think of what tiqah pernah cakap dulu. We were having hot drinks kat luar rumah, breathe in some fresh air after countless of hours study for our final exams. I asked her abt this tesl-account thing since she's the kind of person who sees things clearly. We were talking abt solat istikharah. Dia kata "istikharah bukan dari mimpi je. Kadang kalau benda tu baik untuk awak, awak rasa seronok sangat. Awak tak rasa berat hati atau rasa susah." 

Exactly. Apa yang aku rasa contradicts to what i should be feeling. Patut aku rasa seronok but then aku rasa berat hati. I turned down my muet exam and i told my mum 'mak, kalau tak pergi muet tapi nak pergi sabah instead boleh?' 

Right now, i dont really mind abt taking my degree lambat ke apa. I dont mind kalau aku habis belajar lambat bcs if i go for accounting dapat pengecualian kredit ✌

Its not such a bad thing pun if i sambung lambat. Plus i even asked my mum, 'mak nanti kalau faisal dah kumpul duit apa semua tapi waktu tu tak habis belajar lagi, mak bagi kahwin tak?'

She didnt even nodd or say yes instead dia cakap 'tanya abah. Kalau abah bagi, dapatlah'

Well, thats just it. I'll go for accountancy and i'll take whatever risk. Bcs in the end, everything will be worth it. Plus i have my parents' support, they believe in me, i have their prayers and thats more than enough. 

Sometimes, we cant have what we want. But trust me, apa yang kita nak tak semestinya baik untuk kita. We cant predict the future might as well kita rely and trust our God bcs He is the All-Knowing ☺

Yang mana mana sahaja

Dampingi aku sayang,
Aku mahu kita ke bintang atau ke mana-mana sahaja yang kau suka
Genggam tangan ini dan bawalah hati ini
Asalkan kita bersama aku tak peduli di mana kita berdiri di atas muka dunia

I love you endlessly

Despite those temporal fights
And those silly arguments
I love you endlessly
And i will love you at all odds
In sickness and health
Through thick and thin

I know how difficult i am for you to handle but please dont give up on me
Will you stay even things are hard?

Happy 2yrs 5mths sayang
I love you, Faisal Hadi :*

Penyakit

Bodoh sombong itu penyakit paling hina. Dan pesakit kadang jarang mengakui ini

Tak semestinya

So hi. I'm actually using my smartphone to update this post but nevermind that wasnt my topic anyway.

'Cantiknya dia. Perfect nya life dia. Untunglah. Nak sangat jadi macam dia'

Wait.... Hold on a sec.

You actually wanted to be her, living her life bcs of what she showed you? Yes, she has the most perfect life. Yes, she lives in comfort whereas she can just ask anything and 'your wish is my command'.
But for one second, think.

She's a normal being who goes through shits, who is inside trying to find herself, trying to find her life purposes, struggling and striving to be happy and God knows if she is secretly having an unknown disease. Pictures lie, you've been fooled by those smiles. And nobody captures their sadness nor their tears (unless youre an attention seeker seeking for 'kesiannya tabah ya')

See. Pictures wont tell you everything. They dont tell you the real story behind every smile and laugh.

I know one person and she's beautiful, for some reason her boyfriend had left her and she's currently mending herself, trying to stay strong. Truth is, being beautiful isnt an exception of not facing difficulties. No one in this planet boleh lari dari diuji Tuhan. Bcs this world is temporary, we fight and struggle each and everyday of our lives to find our way back home, meaning that this is not our home and certainly not a place to rest our bones. But Jannah is.

tho its not easy

TAKE A RISK

MAKE A CHANGE

patience

All Praise be to Allaah

 We all want good things to happen in our lives, but too often we want it now...not later. When it doesn't happen that way, we are tempted to ask, "When, Allaah, when?" Most of us need to grow in the area of trusting Allaah instead of focusing on the "when" question. If you're missing Happiness and peace, you're not trusting Allaah. If your mind feels worn out all the time, you're not trusting Allaah.

 Sometimes knowing everything can be uncomfortable and can even hurt you. I spent a large part of my life being impatient, frustrated and disappointed because there were things I didn't know. Allaah had to teach me to leave things alone and quit feeling that I needed to know everything. I finally learned to trust the One who knows all things and accept that some questions may never be answered. We prove that we trust Allaah when we refuse to worry.

 Allaah wants us to live by discernment—revelation knowledge, not head knowledge. It's difficult to exercise discernment if you're always trying to figure out everything. But when you're willing to say, "Allaah, I can't figure this out, so I'm going to trust You to give me revelation that will set me free," then you can be comfortable in spite of not knowing. Trusting Allaah often requires not knowing how He is going to accomplish what needs to be done and not knowing when He will do it. We often say Allaah is never late, but generally He isn't early either. Why? Because He uses times of waiting to stretch our faith in Him and to bring about change and growth in our lives.

• Wait With Patience

 We spend a lot of time in our lives waiting because change is a process. Many people want change, but they don't want to go through the waiting process. But the truth is, waiting is a given—we are going to wait. The question is, are we going to wait the wrong or right way? If we wait the wrong way, we'll be miserable; but if we decide to wait Allaah's way, we can become patient and enjoy the wait. It takes practice, but as we let Allaah help us in each situation, we develop patience, which is one of the most important as Muslim virtues.

 Patience is a fruit of the Spirit (see Al Baqarah 153). It's developed only under trial, so we must not run from difficult situations.

 '' O ye who believe! Persevere in patience and constancy; vie in such perseverance; strengthen each other; and fear Allah; that ye may prosper.'' [Al Maidah 200]

 As we develop patience, the Quran says we finally feel completely satisfied—lacking nothing. Even our relationship with Allaah involves progressive changes. We learn to trust Allaah by going through many experiences that require trust. By seeing Allaah's faithfulness over and over, we let go of trusting ourselves, and gradually we place our trust in Him.

Looking at it like this, it is easy to see how timing plays an important part in learning to trust Him. If He did everything we asked for immediately, we would never grow and develop. Timing and trust work side by side.


I was browsing to the internet and i found this short nasihat. It is very accurate and somehow it relates to what i feel right now

source ; The Real Beauty Of Islam

The kind of girl i am

Bebel malam

So hi, I have something to share. Did this 'hmm aku pun nak jugak life macam dia' ever crossed your mind while you were looking at someone's photo who is prettier, wealthier and have a nice life to live in? Dont lie to me bcs everyone does that, everyone has this unhealthy feeling of ungratefulness.

Seeing someone with all of these perfections (pretty, skinny, wealthy, smart, famous) will definitely make you feel that 'i have nothing to be proud of, i'm a useless crap, i hate my life' kind of depression. we have what we need but we seem to want more and more from God kan? but we cant have it all at once. 

If you really think money can make your life a lot happier, then work your ass off dont just laze around do nothing and expect money to fall from the sky to your front door. If you really think being pretty can make your life a whole lot better then go and meet any beauty specialist. If you think having the perfect body can make you happy then workout go to gym and get sweaty! 

You just dont sit there and expect God will grant you everything you asked kan?

And if you really think having a sweet and romantic husband would make your life beautiful, then go find one. pergi ajensi cari jodoh or what ever name it has.

But for just one moment, think. 

Kenapa Tuhan tak provide all of these? bcs its temporary and maybe bcs if He gave you these nikmat, you will find yourself lost in this dunya where all you wanted was just fame, money and beauty.

Plus, if lah your boyfriend or your husband tak sweet macam those guys on tumblr, dont ask him to fake himself, pretending to be sweet and all just to please you. thats just wrong. instead, why dont YOU be the one who does the romantic sweet kind of stuff to your partner thats the least you can do. He will definitely appreciate you more. stop being materialistic, asking him this and that dah macam mesin atm bcs he's not. 

Appreciate what you have, work for the things you need and strive for a better life. You dont have to be rich to be happy pun. true happiness is when you stop being ungrateful and learn to love everything and everyone around you.

p/s: this is a note to self, doesnt relate to anyone.

An everlasting story

You know that kind of feeling where you only think of one person and that person appears in your mind like every second every minute but you don't feel like its bothering you at all because you love it when that person runs through your mind and that makes you smile.

You will never get tired of this person even if he hurts you and you will say things like 'enough, i'm tired of this' when actually you don't. you never give up on him because you know even you're having those fights, arguments or misunderstanding you still want him in your life, you still want him to be apart of you, you still want to love him regardless of what he does and how hurtful he is sometimes because you know he's a keeper and he is truly one in a gazillion.

No one, i repeat no one can ever replace his spot in my heart because he's the only guy who always there to help me through every shits in life and always listen to stuffs like 'my day went like this..' or 'you tahu tak...' or 'masa kecik-kecik dulu kan....' without ever getting tired. he lifted me up on my downfalls and when everybody shut me out, he's the only person who says something like I will never be his last option and i'm one of his ultimate priorities.

He's the one who keeps me happy and the one who always tries his best to be all that i need. i know we may have fought couple of times about 'why wont you publicize your love towards me on your social network?' kind of stuffs, but i do know now, how you showed and emphasize your love. i was indeed clingy and demanding (sometimes ego. okay all the time) but you held on to me for two years; you accept all of my imperfections perfectly.

Loving you is really all that's on my mind and i can't help but to think about it day and night.

I always want to remind you of how much i love you and how much i need you in my life. i love you Faisal Hadi even some situations are hard to handle and some are hurtful but as long as i have you i am stronger to face any possibilities. you make me happy even when everything falls apart and being yours is an honor. i am fully content and grateful to be apart of your life.

I miss you sayang, always 

Loving you so dearly,

Adwyh, your sayang, your future

super power

kau pernah tak rasa kau sebenarnya ada super power? 

kau rasa kau boleh terbang seiring dengan kapal terbang pastu kau lambai dua tiga kat pilot, 

kau rasa kau boleh laser bontot orang guna mata kau sebab kau benci dia 

kau rasa kau boleh bertukar rupa jadi halimunan dan intai perempuan yang kau suka

atau kau rasa kau boleh tembak orang guna tapak tangan kau

aku rasa aku boleh baca pemikiran orang,

dan aku rasa aku perasan je lebih tapi serius aku boleh baca pemikiran orang, everybody can to be exact.

how do we read minds?

from the eyes that tell, body gestures, facial expression or the attitude itself.

our mind and heart are well-created by God and i can assure you that we do have our own superpowers which are to understand the people around us by what we see and observe, and feel what they feel.

dont be an ignorant who ignores everything - living the world satisfying your own needs and heart. 

understand people more and appreciate. 

this is just a random post, i dont know i am a very random person who writes random stuffs, so yeah 

Terakhir

Semester five will end soon I can't believe that time flies so fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *can't breathe*

I can't believe that i'll end my diploma soon, I can't believe that i'll graduate next year and I can't believe that i'm getting married! Well, literally not after graduating my diploma and mungkin it'll take a few years forward. I dont care when, as long as we stick to together, love each other and at the same time, making our dream a reality. I don't wanna rush things lah sebab well yknow macam selalu wise man says, "eventually good things will come to those who wait and to those who work their butts off" kan?

I should make a to-do-list for this semester breaks. (Oh baru teringat baucar buku masih belum habis guna. hashtag tibatiba)

I really need to make a full list of everything so that i wont miss any important parts while having my long breaks. My last paper is on Friday, a good day to end my fifth semester ey?

So, to all students of UiTM, I hope you guys would make your days productive (oh this is definitely a very cliche one) I hope guys enjoy your long breaks! and to my fellow part six friends, have a very long rest you guys have been studying for three years, I should give you a round of applause sikit!

And to everyone, just live your life to the fullest and never let anyone brings you down. If anyone ever did so you should slam their face on the wall haha okay

Sang Pencemburu (Cerpen)

(Currently spending my spare time reading this Untuk Separa Tuhan book by @BukuHitamPress. I would give 5 out of 5 ratings for this brilliant masterpiece. the contents are mind blowing and they didn't fail to amaze me. I can't help it. Not to write this story (below) seems a little bit disturbing. So, enjoy reading!)

 P/s: Baca di atas risiko sendiri. Cerita tiada kena mengena dengan yang hidup atau mati.

***

“We really need to break up!” Rizal meluahkan, tegas. Air muka Fika yang tenang berubah serius dengan sekelip mata. Fika menahan air mata. Pura-pura kuat untuk tetap berhadapan dengan Rizal. Meskipun hatinya telah hancur luluh, tetap juga dikuatkan. Meskipun perasaan marah mencapai tahap klimaks, ikutkan akal gila mahu sahaja ditikam bertubi-tubi lelaki di hadapannya itu.

“Why sayang? After all this time, awak tiba-tiba nak breaking up? Tak kelakar, serius tak kelakar langsung.” terketawa kecil, selamba.

“I ada orang lain” Rizal mengaku sendiri tanpa banyak dalih.

“As simple as that? Awak fikir saya akan lepaskan awak senang macam tu je? Well you know what, you’re wrong. Saya akan cari perempuan sial yang hancurkan hubungan kita dan jangan fikir awak akan terlepas dengan sangat mudah.” Fika meletakkan jari telunjuknya pada dada Rizal. Ditekan-tekan. Ditolak-tolak.

“Kau fikir dengan ugutan kau, aku akan kembali duduk celah kangkang kau? Gi mampus lah perempuan!” makian yang dihamburkan dengan suara yang sangat lantang membuatkan Fika terkedu. Lidahnya kelu. Sekali tempik, tahu kau takut. Rizal segera mengorak langkah memasuki keretanya, menutup pintu dan terus memacu laju meninggalkan Fika yang masih tercegat dengan posisi memeluk tubuh.

“Kau akan menyesal Rizal. Aku takkan lepaskan kau. Kau akan menyesal” Air mata yang berlinangan di pipi, dikesat dengan kasar. Matanya merah menahan marah. Jangan bazirkan air mata untuk si bangsat, hidup kau hancur, semua sebab dia. Nak biarkan dia hidup senang-berbahagia? Jangan jadi bodoh! Sekarang, balas dendam. Biarkan dia hidup sengsara! Bisikan yang entah dari mana membuatkan Fika menyengih sendiri. 

“Aku takkan biarkan dia bahagia. Aku. Akan. Balas. Dendam”

***

Fika semakin kerap bersendiri. Berkurung di bilik tak makan dua tiga hari. Kerap juga dia berbual sendirian seperti ada yang menemaninya. Tak tahu apa yang merasuk dia sejak kejadian 3 hari lepas, di hari Rizal telah memutuskan hubungan mereka berdua. Sekejap dia ketawa, sekejap dia menangis, sekejap lagi dia menjerit bagaikan histeria. Ini sangat merisaukan ibu tirinya. Semakin hari, semakin mati akal mahu diapakan si Fika.

Rizal terpaksa memutuskan hubungan mereka, bukan kerana orang ketiga, bukan kerana dia ada perempuan lain. Rizal serik! Serik kerana sering dikongkong dan dikawal ketat pergerakannya sehinggakan dia semakin lama semakin rimas untuk menghadapi situasi yang sama setiap hari. Fika terlalu senang cemburu, sering marah-marah tak tentu pasal lalu menghamburkan kata-kata kesat. 

Perangai Fika sangat memualkan dan menyebalkan. Cukup-cukuplah perempuan gampang. Aku dah serik kena kongkong! Rizal membakar setiap kepingan gambar sewaktu mereka masih bersama. Puas hati aku.

22-Oktober-2011

Rizal dan Jalil sedang menunggu di perkarangan parkir kereta.

“Mana awek kau ni Zal. Lambat doh. Pukul lapan suku wayang start.”Jalil menepuk bahu Rizal. Lama benar mereka menunggu Syima tetapi masih belum ternampak juga batang hidungnya.

“Kau gerak dulu lah. Dia sampai aku terus gerak wayang. Jangan lupa beli popcorn.” Rizal menghulurkan sekeping not RM10.

“Beres bos. Jangan dah jumpa, kau dengan dia buat wayang pulak. Aku gerak dulu bro. Kirim salam sayang awek baru kau tu.”

“Hahahaha gampang kau. Pergilah bodoh!” Sempat pula mereka bertumbukan mesra, bergurau-gurau senda.

***

“Tolong… Tolong jangan apa-apakan aku.” Syima meronta kasar. Tangannya diikat pada kerusi, wajahnya penuh dengan lebam dan darah, penglihatannya kabur.

Fika berjalan setapak demi setapak, perlahan, mengelilingi kerusi yang diduduki Syima. Dia sudah semakin tak terdaya mahu meronta dan melawan. Fika telah memukul mukanya menggunakan kayu besbol bertubi-tubi tanpa sedikit belas kasihan.

“Tolong….. Aku merayu kat kau. Lepaskan aku. Apa salah aku sampai kau seksa aku teruk macam ni?”

“Huh!” Fika mendengus kasar.

“Apa salah kau? Hahahahaha. Kau lah perempuan yang Rizal puja-pujakan sekarang. Dulu aku, sekarang kau, jahanam! Kau tak layak nak gantikan aku! Bodoh! Mati! Mati! Mati!” pisau Kiwi yang terletak di atas meja, pantas dikaut. Mengenggam ia kukuh, diangkat tinggi lalu ditusuk dengan rakus berkali-kali pada wajah Syima. Lunyai. 

Tubuh Fika dipenuhi darah merah pekat. Hanyir. Tangannya berlumurah darah. Bebola mata Syima yang tertanggal dek tusukan pisau tadi, dipijak-hancur. Lenyek. Ini balasan untuk kau sebab hancurkan hubungan aku, bitch. “Aku akan cari kau kat neraka. Jangan lupa kirim salam setan.”

25-Oktober-2011

Rizal sedang bersiap untuk ke majlis pertunangan rakan karib di waktu sekolahnya – Mira. Tetapi seketika dia merasa sebal bila terfikirkan Syima yang langsung tak muncul malam temu janji pertama mereka. Bazir duit aku beli tiket wayang, satu. Mungkir janji pulak tu. Perempuan tu memang taknak kat aku kot. Contact aku pun tak sekarang.

Bunyi hon kereta Azfar menghentikan lamunan Rizal.

“Woi, cepat siap lah bontot!” Azfar menjerit ke luar tingkap. Rizal segera mencapai wallet, tergesa-gesa keluar dan mengunci pintu rumah. Setelah Rizal memasuki kereta dan memakai seat belt, Azfar bersuara,

“Weh, kau okay tak? Pucat muka kau”

“Eh, pucat ke? Aku okay jelah. Cuma aku rasa ini pertama kali aku kena reject. Sakit gak ek?”

“Alah, setakat Syima…. petik jari kau boleh dapat lagi lawa lah bro. Jangan frust sangat. Apa kisah awek kau yang dulu tu?” Azfar memulakan perbualan kosong bersama Rizal sambil memandu ke daerah yang dituju.

“Fika? Aku dengar cerita, dia dah kena buang kerja, sekarang duduk berkurung dalam rumah, meroyan macam orang gila. Kesian gak. Tapi kesian lagi kat aku hari-hari kena kongkong, rimas weh. Aku ni lelaki, kalau aku kahwin dengan dia, takkan lah aku kena turut semua benda, jadi laki takut bini. Not in a million years.” Rizal menerangkan panjang lebar.

***

Usai majlis pertunangan Mira – sewaktu semua tetamu dipersilakan untuk menjamah hidangan, pandangan mata Rizal tertancap pada seorang gadis berbaju kebaya nyonya berwarna jingga, rambutnya ikal mayang dan badannya sangat menggoda nafsu. Tak lekang pandangan mata Rizal padanya. 

Azfar yang sudah kenal lama kawan baiknya, tahu apa yang bermain difikiran Rizal lalu langsung menepuk bahu dia, “Yvonne, budak Sarawak, kawan tadika aku. Berminat?”

Rizal menoleh pantas ke arah Azfar dan mengangguk laju. “Gila tak berminat? Lawa gila doh perempuan ni! Macam mana Mira pun boleh kenal dia???”

“Mira satu sekolah dengan dia. Kelakar kan. Kau pindah sekolah Mira, Yvonne pindah balik Sarawak. Kalau aku tak ada makwe memang awal lagi aku cop. Tapi tulah, dulu waktu tadika selekeh je, sekarang aku sendiri tak percaya dengan perubahan dia. Kau nak aku kenen kan?”

“Belum ada jodoh masa tu. Weh, serius ke?”

“Serius lah. Aku mana pernah main-main. Kau tunggu sini, aku settle kan” Azfar mengangkat punggungnya lalu bergerak ke arah Yvonne. Rizal cuma memandang dari jauh dengan penuh pengharapan. Terlihat Azfar terkumat-kamit mulut sewaktu berbual dengan Yvonne lalu mereka berdua memandang ke arah Rizal. Yvonne melambai mesra dan lambaiannya disambut teruja. Whoa! Macam tak percaya!

***

Halus permainan Azfar. Tak tahulah jampi serapah apa yang dia guna sehinggakan Yvonne mahu berkawan rapat dengannya.

“Erm, Hello. Yvonne, kalau I nak ajak you pergi dinner malam ni…. You sudi tak?”

“Oh, hey Rizal! Why not. Sure, sure. Lagipun roommates I semua baliklah. Kita jumpa pukul 8 malam, Caroline Restaurant? See you there okay?”

“Thank you sebab sudi terima perlawaan I. Jumpa dekat sana. Don’t be late!”

Rizal tiba di tempat yang dijanjikan. Waiter lelaki yang berpakaian segak siap dengan bow tie mampir untuk mencatat pesanan makanan.

“Sir, what would you like to have for your dinner?”

“Bagi I, Spaghetti Arabietta dengan Lemon Juice. For now, itu jelah. Nanti I order lagi bila kawan I sampai”

“Okay Sir.”

Spaghetti yang hangat menjadi dingin dan tidak menyelerakan. Rizal mengerling kearah jam tangannya, apa benda ni kata pukul 8. Dah pukul lapan empat puluh, kenapa tak muncul-muncul. Dah dua kali perempuan buat aku tunggu lama macam ni. Kalau tak berminat, tak payah janji lah. Buang masa aku je. Getus hatinya, sebal. 

Rizal tak terfikirkan yang tidak-tidak. Hampa. Dia memanggil waiter untuk membuat bayaran. Setelah selesai, Rizal segera mengangkat kaki keluar dari restoran. Sekali lagi dia mengerling ke arah jam, 9.20 malam.

“Argh, celaka!”

***

“So, kau lah Yvonne? Cantik. Sangat cantik.” Fika mendekati Yvonne dan memegang dagunya dengan sangat kasar.  Fika membelek-belek wajah Yvonne dengan teliti. Disentuhnya hidung, mata dan bibir mangsa keduanya perlahan-lahan.

“You nak buat apa dekat I…. Please…. I tak kenal pun you siapa… Tolong jangan cederakan I.” Yvonne menangis teresak-esak. Berkali-kali dia meronta-ronta, cuba melepaskan diri, tapi sia-sia. Seperti mangsa pertamanya, Fika telah merencana segala-galanya dengan amat teliti. Perancangannya tiada sebarang cacat cela. Dan tidak akan ada peluang untuk mangsa meloloskan diri.

“Hmm… Kesian… jangan menangis okay Yvonne?” Fika memeluk kepala Yvonne dan membelai lembut rambutnya.

“Halusnya rambut kau. Cantik. Tapi biar aku cantikkan lagi” Fika menyalakan lighter dan menghalakan ia pada rambut Yvonne. Yvonne melolong meminta pertolongan tapi percuma. Rambutnya terbakar dan kulit kepalanya menggelegak. “Arghh!! Sakit! Sakit! Sakit!”  

Fika ketawa mengilai. Teruja melihat perempuan yang dibencinya meraung dalam kesakitan. Riak wajah Fika berubah kusam. Hilai ketawanya terberhenti. Dia mendekati Yvonne dan langsung menjerit “Api! Api! Air mana air?!” Fika mencampakkan air ke muka Yvonne. Ssssssss. “Alamak! Sayang, ini bukan air. Ini asid. Hahahahaha sorry sangat-sangat Yvonne. Tak sengaja” Raungan Yvonne semakin kuat dan menyedihkan. 

Sedikit pun Fika tidak berasa kasihan. Malah, dihayunkan kayu besbol pada kepala Yvonne untuk memberhentikan jeritan, takut-takut didengari orang pula. “Mati pun. Hihihihihihihi” Fika menekup mulut dan ketawa terkekeh-kekeh. Suka.

Tak ada perempuan yang boleh menarik minat Rizal, kecuali aku. Dan cuma aku! Aku paling cantik!!!

***

Perlawanan antara Chelsea dan MU ditunggu-tunggukan. Sanggup Rizal bersengkang mata untuk menonton perlawanan pagi nanti. Sedang Rizal menghirup kopi panas yang baru sahaja dibancuhnya tadi, telefon rumahnya berdering.

Termelatah. Terketawa. Menekup muka malu. Nasib baik tak didengari latahannya. Rizal bangun menjawab panggilan telefon.

“Hello…?”

“Hai, sayang. Do you miss me?”

“Apa kau nak perempuan? Jangan kacau aku!”

“You ni kenapa marah-marah je. I rindu you lah. That’s why I call you up nak tanya khabar. Sombong sekarang.”

“Kau berambus lah perempuan, aku tak ada masa nak bercakap dengan kau. Bye” gagang telefon diletakkan, kasar. Rizal menarik nafas dan menghembus perlahan. Apa lagi yang kau nak dari aku, tak cukup-cukup lagi ke kau nak kongkong hidup aku dulu perempuan. Tak faham aku!

***

Rizal, Azfar, Jalil, serta Mira dan tunangannya, Kamil sudah sepakat mahu menonton perlawanan bola sepak MU vs Chelsea bersama di kedai mamak Abdullah. Suasana sangat meriah, lebih-lebih lagi bila pasukan MU berjaya menjaringkan gol. Usai menonton perlawanan bola sepak, Azfar dan Jalil meminta diri untuk pulang awal. Letih setelah seharian bekerja mengangkut barang. Kamil pula meminta diri untuk ke toilet sebentar gara-gara pekena dal yang kurang elok rasanya. Kata Mira, perut Kamil agak sensitif, mudah sangat sakit perut.

Sementara menunggu tunangannya melepaskan ‘hajat’, Mira dan Rizal berbual kosong dan kelihatan sangat mesra. Tanpa pengetahuan bersama, gerak-geri mereka sebenarnya telah lama diperhatikan. Mira ketawa berdekah-dekah bila Rizal membuat lawak. Tak kering gusi bila bersama Rizal. Pandai menceriakan suasana dan berada bersama Rizal membuatkan Mira selesa untuk bergurau dengannya.

Fika mematahkan jari kelingkingnya kerana terlalu marah. Sakitnya tak terasa seperti rasa sakit di hatinya. Patah riuk hati Fika bila melihat mereka berdua bermesra-mesraan, bertepuk-tampar. Dasar perempuan tak tahu malu!

***

29-Oktober-2012

Kamil menghantar Mira pulang ke rumahnya.

“Bye sayang. Jaga diri elok-elok. Kunci rumah lepas abang pergi tau.”

“Iya, abang jangan risau sangat okay. Mira pandai jaga diri Mira. Abang bawak motor hati-hati” Mira mencapai dan mencium tangan tunangannya.

Sewaktu Mira berjalan menuju pintu hadapan….. Panggggg! Suatu pukulan kuat hinggap di kepalanya. Mira jatuh menyembah bumi dan tidak sedarkan diri.

“Aku kat mana ni? Tolong…. Aku tak nampak…. ” Mira meraba-raba sekitarnya. Gelap gelita. Mira terdengar bunyi tapak kaki yang semakin dekat ditelinganya tapi akibat terlalu gelap dia tak dapat mengenal pasti siapa.

“Tolong…. Siapa kat situ????” Mira teraba-raba mencari sesuatu untuk melindungi dirinya dan tiba-tiba keadaan yang gelap menjadi terang. Lampu dibuka dan sekujur badan berdiri tidak jauh dari tempat Mira berada.

“AKU MALAIKAT MAUT!” Fika berlari pantas ke arah Mira sambil menggenggam kapak ditangan kirinya. Ditetak-tetak kepala Mira sehingga terkeluar otak dan dipijak-pijak perutnya.

“CUMA SATU PEREMPUAN YANG BOLEH SENTUH RIZAL, DAN IANYA CUMA AKU. AKU! AKU! AKU!” Fika semakin hilang kawalan. Semakin gila!

***

(masih 29-Oktober-2011)

Usai mandi, Rizal bersandar di balkoni dengan hanya bertuala. Tiba-tiba, seorang perempuan datang memeluk Rizal dari belakang dan meletakkan sepuntung rokok pada bibirnya lalu dinyalakan api. Rizal menghembus asap rokok, berkepul-kepul.

Entah perempuan mana dibawa Rizal untuk berseronok buat satu malam.

“Baby, kenapa duduk sini je. Jom lah.” Perempuan itu menarik manja lengan Rizal dan direbahkan di atas katil.

Sedang mereka seronok dan leka melampiaskan nafsu setan, Fika menyaksikan setiap gerak-geri mereka sambil merakam setiap aksi menggunakan cam recoder.

“Nice… very nice….” Fika menepuk tangan. Cam recoder masih ligat merakam.

Terkejut. Rizal pantas menoleh. Perempuan entah siapa itu sudah bersembunyi disebalik selimut.

“Baby…. Siapa perempuan ni?” perempuan entah siapa bersuara lantas memeluk lengan Rizal. “Perempuan celaka!’ Fika yang semakin berang terus melempar pisau Rambo sehingga tertusuk tepat di kepala perempuan itu. Menggelupur-mati. Darah yang memercik keluar, mewarnai cadar putih menjadi kemerahan.

“I’ve warned you sayang. I dah bagi amaran awal-awal. But you won’t listen. You nak jugak putuskan hubungan kita. You tengok sekarang apa dah jadi?” Fika mengangkat sebuah beg plastik hitam dan menarik keluar sesuatu. Ternyata yang yang dikeluarkan itu adalah tiga kepala yang telah dipenggal. Lunyai setiap satu.

“Kenal? Syima, Yvonne, dan oh kawan baik you, Mira. Sorry sayang, I can’t help it. I kuat cemburu. Hihihihihihihihi. Maafkan I tau baby?” Fika melepaskan rambut ketiga-tiga kepala itu, bergelimpangan jatuh ke lantai berjubin biru.

“This is sick! Kau dah gila Fika!” Rizal gelisah. Psiko perempuan ni. Musibah apa yang aku terpaksa tempuh ini, Tuhan.

“I memang gila, sayang. I terlalu gilakan you. I cintakan you. Tapi you tak nampak!!!!” Fika menengking marah.

Rizal mengumpulkan segala kudrat dan keberanian.

“I nampak. You memang cintakan I. cemburu kan tanda sayang. I mintak maaf sebab I lalai untuk jaga you sehabis baik. Cukup sayang. Mari sini.”  Rizal menepuk katil sebelah kanannya.

Fika menangis teresak-esak. Mendekati Rizal dengan lemah. Pisau yang berada dikepala perempuan entah siapa ditarik kasar. Darah yang mengalir pada pisau, dikesat-kesat menggunakan baju. Badan perempuan entah siapa ditolak ke bawah.

Rizal hanya mampu melihat setiap aksi perempuan psiko di hadapannya. Pura-pura tenang.

“I penat menangis sayang.” Fika duduk di sebelah Rizal. Dia memandang Rizal dengan wajah yang sayu. Rizal membetulkan rambut Fika yang kusut masai, darah-darah ungu diwajah Fika, dikesat.

“Comotnya awak, sayang. Kenapa tak pakai cantik-cantik macam selalu?” Rizal menyengih. Terpaksa.

“Sebab you tinggalkan I. I tak tahu nak pakai cantik-cantik untuk siapa lagi. You nak tahu satu rahsia tak? I bakar rambut Yvonne sampai menggelegak kulit kepalanya. Buah dada dia I kelar-kelar. Hmm I lagi cantik dari dia kan sayang?” Fika menggenggam tangan Rizal. Erat.

“Mestilah.” Dikucup pipi Fika untuk meyakinkannya. Pantas Fika memeluk kekasihnya. “Funny thing, sayang. You tak pandai menipu.” satu tusukan hinggap dibelakang Rizal. Terbelalak mata menahan sakit yang mengilukan.

Semakin erat pelukan Fika. Dibisikkan kata-kata terakhir di telinga Rizal yang sudah separuh nazak. “Tak ada satu orang pun yang boleh dapat memiliki kau, Rizal. Cuma aku, aku aku! Sekejap lagi malaikat maut menjemput kau. Jangan risau, dia kawan aku.” Pisau ditarik. Semakin banyak darah memercik.

“Jumpa dekat neraka, sayang. Kita akan kembali bersatu di sana.”

Be wise

The privilege of being yours

I didn't get enough time to update anything! My weeks were hectic and i know that might sound a little bit cliche, still its never too late to update. Nineteen days back was our second anniversary, i really thought i should just blog anything as a dedication or appreciation but rather so, i made a scrapbook of all my favorite lyrics. Having thought of that, he could reread and feel all of the unspoken words beneath my heart, what i thought of him and of course to remind my love towards him.

We didnt actually bought ourselves cakes, tukar hadiah ke apa cause that might be too mainstream. we went out, beli groceries sama-sama. I had soooooooo much fun though and he's certainly a gentleman and it was really cute having to think that dia tolong pegangkan bakul while i was busy placing down all the items needed masa beli groceries haritu hihi hihi *malu*

4/2/2012 wasnt a declaration date or such. It was the day when we talked to each other.

Having to remind back of all the obstacles, ups and down, the good and bad had actually taught us many things. i appreciate every moment spent with him, every conversation and our little talks, every ketawa sampai senak perut and all of the tears shed i treasure them all. Thank you awak, for this roller coaster ride kind of friendship.

I hope for the best, for the both of us. i know it's going to be tough the fact that, maybe, we wont be seeing each other next semester, and the fact that, maybe, we wont be graduating sama-sama. It saddens me that you wont be around, making me feel happy when my days are bad. It saddens me that you wont be around, accompanying me and be there for me when i'm absolutely screwed up.

Tapi kan awak, regardless of what ought to come i still gonna wait for you. I will always faithfully wait for you.

Just please bare in mind that i love you Faisal Hadi, my sayang, my utmost best friend. I love you with all my heart. Words can't even explain how i feel. Most people don't understand us, but we do.

It's been two years now. Lets make it last forever, shall we?

 

Buat Aku Tersenyum

Datanglah sayang dan biarkan ku berbaring
Di pelukanmu walaupun tuk sejenak
Usaplah dahiku dan kan ku katakan semua

Bila ku lelah tetaplah di sini
Jangan tinggalkan aku sendiri
Bila ku marah biarkanku bersandar
Jangan kau pergi untuk menghindar

Rasakan resahku dan buat aku tersenyum
Dengan canda tawamu walaupun tuk sekejap
Karna hanya engkaulah yang sanggup redakan aku

Karna engkaulah satu-satunya untukku
Dan pastikan kita selalu bersama
Karna dirimulah yang sanggup mengerti aku
Dalam susah ataupun senang

Dapatkah engkau s'lalu menjagaku?
Dan mampukah engkau mempertahankanku?

Bila ku lelah tetaplah disini
Jangan tinggalkan aku sendiri
Bila ku marah biarkanku bersandar
Jangan kau pergi untuk menghindar 

Sheila on 7

'only God can judge me' really?

being 21

I surely hate the fact that my midsem break has finally come to its end and its tomorrow. so bye-bye internet connection i'll be facing loads of tests til my brain explodes yay! Yesterday was my 21st birthday. I can't seem to brain the fact that, people said i'm going to get some wrinkles on my forehead and so.

I can still feel the excitements!

I wish to say a heartfelt thank you to each of you who took their time out just to send me those long text messages, Facebook wall posts and tweets. Thank you for all the generous wishes and du'as. Gosh! I really find it difficult to put this into words right now :/

Most of all, I'm happy being 21. I'm happy for all the people who never left my side, who never neglected me and making me their last option. I am eternally grateful for the people who always there to lift me up when i'm sad and mad. I'm thankful for this life i'm living in which is solely given by Allah swt. I appreciate my family, they're my ultimate lovers. I am completely nobody without them. And the only man I adore, thank you for putting up with me through rough and tough times- not to forget for all the happy moments too Faisal Hadi.

I came to ponder and felt stupid for whining about every little things that i don't have. How foolish i am for not taking a look around and see clearly that i have the perfect life, the perfect family and being loved perfectly by Allahu Taala :') Alhamdulillah 'O Allah Azza Wa Jalla for these amazing people and for all the trials and hardships you put me through each and everyday of my life.

Alhamdulillah Ya Kareem, You gave me all the things i needed the most. May Allah shower His blessings on us and may He grant every each us Jannatul Firdaws. Aameen!

the sad truth

Hey yegais, my mid semester break is about to end real soon so here i am updating an entry because pretty much I am bored right now. The sad truth is that i'll be facing a very hectic life afterwards. Loads of tests and quizzes are about to ruin my leisure times but i dont mind that's how students should roll kalau tak busy with tests and sorts bukan student namanya.

It's a new year. I don't expect my new year to be nice because I know life will knock us down sometimes so i have to be fully prepared and ready for any consequences. And i know life's gonna be rough once in while, i should stay strong no matter what ought to come. 

What I hoped for is to just go with the flow and fight for what's best.

And since this year is my final year for diploma, I'll end my diploma on November (if i'm not mistaken) by right, i can assure that this year isn't going to be like the rest of my previous years. I just want my last year of diploma to be unlike any other. I don't wanna ask much, i just want to change for the better, create memories and tosses all the stress if I want to earn something different this year. 

I hoped for miracle to happen this year. Why? It's a secret that i won't tell

Hmm pretty much I have nothing left to say now. Just that I hope you guys would have a great days ahead of you and make this year something you could never forget.

Stay tuned for more upcoming updates. Thank you for all the words/supports being dropped by. And thank you for reading this blog, whoever you are, may Allah bless you guys (and myself) throughout our days.

"This could be the start of something new." - Zac Efron